What is wrong with you people? No, seriously. Do you have some kind of self-destructive addiction to spending obscene amounts of money on what is essentially the same thing in a shinier package? Did Samsung hypnotise you into believing that your current phone is suddenly garbage the moment a new one launches? Wake up! The Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra is here, and predictably, it is being hailed as the “most revolutionary smartphone ever” – by people who have the memory of a goldfish and the critical thinking skills of a potato. Let’s break down what you’re getting for the privilege of handing over your firstborn child and a kidney.
SurveyFirst up, the design. Oh wow, it’s… a rectangle. With rounded edges. What a bold new direction! The S25 Ultra looks so much like its predecessor that if you put the S24 Ultra next to it, you’d need a high-powered electron microscope to tell the difference. But don’t worry, Samsung made sure to tweak something trivial – like the curve of the camera module – so you can feel superior to peasants using last year’s model.
And then there’s the AI. Because everything must have AI now. Samsung is promising AI-powered features like enhanced image processing, text summarization, and personalized assistant responses. Translation –: Your phone will take mediocre photos, make educated guesses about what you meant to write, and harvest your data more efficiently than ever before. And when you inevitably start to question why your phone suddenly “knows” you were thinking about buying a new mattress, just remember: It’s not paranoia if it’s true.
Performance? Oh, you mean the Snapdragon 8 Gen 4 chip that’s “faster than ever”? Great. Because what we really needed was an extra 0.2 seconds shaved off app loading times. What will you do with all that newfound efficiency? Scroll Twitter 15% faster? Open Instagram stories with nanosecond precision? The possibilities are endless! And don’t even get me started on the 16GB RAM model. For what? Running NASA simulations on your phone? Playing Candy Crush in 8K?
And then there’s the battery life. Samsung swears that the S25 Ultra’s 5,500mAh battery is “optimized” to last longer. Sure. Just like every other flagship phone before it. But let’s be real: Between the ultra-bright 2K display, the power-hungry AI nonsense, and your chronic doomscrolling, you’ll still be shackled to your charger by 4 PM. But don’t worry, Samsung will sell you a “super ultra mega fast” charger – for an extra fee, of course.
Speaking of extra fees, let’s address the price. Oh, you thought inflation was bad? Meet the S25 Ultra’s $1,500+ price tag. But don’t worry, Samsung is happy to let you trade in your barely year-old S24 Ultra for a laughable discount that barely covers a month’s worth of groceries. And for that premium price, you don’t even get a charger in the box. Because, apparently, saving the planet means making you buy accessories separately.
Oh, and let’s talk about the S Pen – because Samsung certainly did… by removing Bluetooth support! That’s right. The once-mighty stylus, which could previously be used as a remote shutter or presentation clicker, is now nothing more than a glorified stick. Innovation! But don’t worry, Samsung will probably sell you a “Pro” version later, for an extra fee, naturally.
And let’s not forget the software. One UI 7.0 promises to be “smoother and more intuitive than ever.” Translation: Samsung has added a few new animations, changed some icons, and stuffed even more bloatware onto your device that you can’t uninstall. But hey, at least you’ll have Samsung Free, Samsung Health, and Bixby – because we all know how much everyone LOVES Bixby, right? Right?
Oh, and durability? You’d think for $1,500, this thing would be built like a tank. Nope. The S25 Ultra is already failing drop tests left and right, so be prepared to spend even more on a case to prevent your investment from shattering into pieces the moment you sneeze too hard near it.
But go ahead, upgrade. Convince yourself that your current phone is suddenly slow, outdated, and incapable of performing basic tasks. Pretend that Samsung hasn’t been playing this same game for years – dangling incremental upgrades in front of you like a carrot while extracting increasingly absurd amounts of money from your wallet. Just remember, in 12 months, the S26 Ultra will be out, and you’ll be back here again, eagerly handing over your paycheck like the obedient consumer you are.
Enjoy your slightly shinier rectangle.
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Booman
The ultimate contrarian, BooMan is the final boss you will have to face in the sea of opinions about technology. He will unapologetically put out his contrarian opinions about all things tech. He has come out of the shades of the magazine, and is now writing on Digit.in. Take his opinions with a grain of salt, as BooMan is completely ficticious and all his work is satirical in nature. View Full Profile
